Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2003 6:34 pm Post subject: Monthly 24th of the Month Monthly Report
Hello People,
I used "People" with a capital "P" because I figured that everyone these days has their own unwritten zero-tolerance policy against the word "People" without capitalization. In short, I'd rather not deal with the legalities in the future for I have no time on my schedule between work and tea time with Supz, Steve, Jim, and the other members of the Coalition.
In the meantime, I'd like to address the following. During the past few sentences, I have managed to completely forget the topic of this post and will now revert to another backup topic of conversation.
When purchasing a package of feminine products for the lady, fear not your fellow customers or the person at the point of sale (POS). Instead, leave behind all negative thoughts and proceed with an unbreakable coolness. Let it be known through your actions that you are supreme and that you are capable of buying whatever you feel.
Things not to do while in the store:
>Sweat in the armpit or chest areas.
>Fart (if you do, walk 9 feet away from the spot for at least 30 minutes).
>Ask for the isle/Look like you're lost.
>Shop for the best price (as you approach the shelf, pick a color in your mind and just grab a box with the similar color).
So, as a real human male, you must avoid those types of situations. First of all, if you start to sweat, then that means you are SCARED. There is zero time for that. Remember, fear NOT. Preparation is key: so do not eat fiber-loaded junk food before the trip. Once you start to fart, it is hard to stop. Ask your lady where the location of the product is (what isle/how many isles from the chips). If you walk in without this knowledge, you're only making it more difficult for yourself. How you feel after you've done the deed will reflect on how well you avoided the no-no's.
And now the good things to do:
>Quick entry, grab, and go (simple and effective train of thought).
>Keep your chin up.
>Always keep the hand that is not being used in your pocket. Let the other hand/arm hold the product for all to see (confidence is what makes the man).
>If you are wearing a button down shirt or jacket, unbutton a few of them before entering to help with ventilation.
You've picked up the product from the shelf. Now it's time to confront the person at the register. Remember, keep your cool. When the person at the POS says "Okay, sir, the price of the tampons is $5.50," respond with "Sounds good to me!" or "I have a coupon." and give him/her a wink and a mouth-generated clicking sound while pointing your finger toward him/her (form your right or left hand into a gun-like shape for better results). When the person asks "Paper or plastic?" answer him/her with "No need. No need." and smile without showing your "pearly whites" while tilting your head slightly to the right. For your finale, take the purchase(s), throw it in the air (about 3-4 feet). While the product is air born, spin around 360 degrees and catch the item(s). After "The Catch," walk away and give a subtle laugh while thinking "Hey, I'm good."
That'll teach 'em. That'll teach 'em.
And Supz, if you like this post, feel free to include it in your Articles section. I'm sure there's a spot there for this issue, right 'Merica?
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In the meantime, I'd like to address the following. During the past few sentences, I have managed to completely forget the topic of this post and will now revert to another backup topic of conversation.
So, as a real human male, you must avoid those types of situations. First of all, if you start to sweat, then that means you are SCARED. There is zero time for that. Remember, fear NOT. Preparation is key: so do not eat fiber-loaded junk food before the trip. Once you start to fart, it is hard to stop. Ask your lady where the location of the product is (what isle/how many isles from the chips). If you walk in without this knowledge, you're only making it more difficult for yourself. How you feel after you've done the deed will reflect on how well you avoided the no-no's.
