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OPEN LETTER TO
AMANDA'S FUTURE ROOMMATE
J u l y 0 8 , 2 0 0 0
Dear Toni,
In the event that you actually read this letter, you obviously have been notified that you are to be my college roommate as of August 20, 2000. I would like to begin our introduction by laying down a definition or two.
MINE -- Anything that belongs to me or one of my associates. This includes videos, cd's, all food (regardless of who originally purchased it), computer equipment, other electronics, clothes, and any other assorted items owned in part or as a whole by ME. You are forbidden to touch anything deemed by the previous definition as "MINE".
YOURS -- By default, whatever is not MINE. You are free to do whatever you wish with items which are YOURS...but so am I.
Having defined these two simple terms, we shall now move on to other more vital topics. Your agreement to abide by these basic rules
will make our coexistence almost tolerable.
Rule #01 -- The second phone line installed in our dorm is MINE. It will be my network pipe to the outside world, since broadband is not provided. It is not your boy toy hotline. If you want to use the line for the internet yourself, take a number -- a six-digit number.
Rule #02 -- You relinquish all rights for playing your stereo when I'm busy playing songs from Napster whose sole objective is to alienate you.
Rule #03 -- You will not look out my window for any undue length of time.
Rule #04 -- You will not cross the yellow line I shall install as a visual division between our sides of the room without prior written permission.
Rule #05 -- You will not, under any circumstances, touch the thousands of dollars worth of computer hardware that will reside on my desk and probably part of yours.
Rule #06 -- You will not utter a single complaint about the Quake II, Quake III, Duke 3D, and/or UT sound effects you may be awakened by in the middle of the night, for they are part of my "conditioning."
Rule #07 -- You will for no reason find yourself in envy of, wishing to borrow, or even thinking of my socks.
Rule #08 -- Your friends are not welcome. If you must have company, all the above rules apply to your guests as well, although more strictly enforced: their punishment for defiance will be death, while yours a severe mauling.
Rule #09 -- My hygiene shall not be considered an issue, nor will it be questioned. Cleanliness is not next to godliness, so you will not pick up after me. My mess is my bliss, so do not attempt to delve into such deep and personal issues as my housekeeping.
Rule #10 -- I'm bringing a TV. It's MINE. However, I will also be bringing along a very tempting Nintendo which, as an exception to my rules on items which are MINE, you may play. You are allowed free use of my Nintendo until I say otherwise; I reserve the right to kick you off of it at any time. This is the only item of MINE which you are allowed to use, until I find some of my saved games overwritten, at which time the punishment defined in Rule #8 will be put into play.
Surely you realize that this is not too much to ask of you; in fact, it is a minute price to pay to be afforded the opportunity
to stay with me. I look forward to owning you.
Regards,
Amanda Victoria
This letter was an open source project, if you will. Contributors include Delusion, Var, Matt, Nyarlathotep, and Guilty.
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